Rough Week

I don't usually complain on my blog, but this time I really need to vent. In fact, if you don't want to read a downer post, or if you are thinking of having kids, stop reading now. Just skip this post. There will be no cute pictures of my kids to enjoy. Just me needing an outlet to whine and collect my thoughts for a moment. It's going to be a long, long, really long post. You have been duly warned.

The whole week wasn't all bad, but most of it involved me bursting into tears at any given moment for any given reason.

Here's how it started:

Saturday morning, I went in for my glucose screening test. If you don't know what that is, it's a test that they give pregnant ladies between 24-28 weeks to test for gestational diabetes. My doctor told me that they've stopped doing the one hour test, because it was resulting in a lot of false positives, therefore costing everyone time and money. Instead of leaving my boys with a friend for three hours, while I did the two-hour glucose test while Akiko was at school, I decided to go in on a Saturday morning so that Joseph could just watch the kids.

So, the one hour test consists of drinking the glucose at home, noting the time, going into the lab, and getting your blood drawn once and you're done and you can go home. Easy. In and out in 15 minutes. The two hour test consists of an 8 hour fast, go to the clinic, get blood drawn, drink glucose, get blood drawn one hour later, and get blood drawn one more hour after that. You have to stay at the clinic the whole time. If you vomit, it voids the test and you have to take it again another day.

I get light headed and faint just getting my blood drawn. I used to be fine with it, but I had one really horrendous experience back in high school, and the older I get, the more severe my anxiety gets whenever I get shots or get blood drawn. It takes a lot of mental prep for me before I am able to let the needle come near me. I've learned it's a really bad idea to tell your nurse your horror story right as they're trying to get an IV in. It totally freaks them out.

When you put together what becomes a 12 hour fast, the sickly sweet glucose drink and getting poked three times, I was in really bad shape by the time the test was finished. I'm glad I had Joseph drop me off and pick me up from the clinic. There's no way I would have been in any condition to drive myself home.

My Saturday was ruined. I was really looking forward to that day. I had a lot of projects I needed to get done and, before I went in to the lab, I was feeling pretty motivated and energetic to tackle them. When I got home, I wanted to crawl into a dark corner and die. Joseph got me some lunch. I forced myself to eat as much as I could stand, which wasn't much even though I was famished. Then I fell asleep. Three hours or so. I felt like crap when I woke up.

I was supposed to go to the broadcast for Worldwide Leadership Training, since I'm in the Primary presidency. I missed the first two morning broadcasts, because I was at the clinic. I had every intention of going to the afternoon broadcast. I missed that one, too. I was really frustrated. I was looking forward to it and I really needed that spiritual boost, if anything.

I managed some dinner, but went straight back to bed. Joseph was an absolute gem the entire day taking care of the kids, keeping them away from me, getting in some housework, and getting in a few hours of job related work done.

I was hoping that by getting a whole lot of sleep, I would feel better the next morning. I didn't. I woke up, showered, and went back to bed. Still sick. Not nearly as bad as the day before, but not well enough to go to church. Joseph took the kids and gave me three hours of solitude, a rarity in my current life. I spent most of the rest of the day in bed. I finally started feeling better by the time dinner was ready. I still didn't feel like eating much, but at least I didn't want to vomit.

I've never had such a bad reaction to the glucose test. It totally ruined my entire weekend.

I woke up Monday morning feeling more normal. Still slightly queasy, but not enough to stop me from getting anything done. Things were pretty tame and normal until lunch. I noticed, while we were eating, that Asher had soiled his diaper. Since he's prone to rashes, I got a fresh diaper and tried to get him to lay still while I changed him. I lost that battle. He thought it was funny and ran off to his room to play. I figured I'd just finish my lunch and try again afterwards. It would only be five, ten minutes, right? No big deal.

About five minutes after the first battle, Moses, who had finished eating way before me (so he won that time), came in and told me, "Mom, Asher is getting mud all over our room." Mud?! Oh, crap! Literally. Crap!

I think, when I went into their room and saw what happened, I screamed so loud our the whole street could hear. It was everywhere. Everywhere! Asher was so pleased with himself. He thought it was so funny. I was livid.

It was ground into the carpet in several places, smeared on furniture, books, toys, clothing. I would alternate between fits of anger and sobbing while I assessed and cleaned the best I could. I took me two hours to clean what I could find. Not an easy feat when you're six months pregnant. I had to throw away several books, including one of Akiko's favorites, and do two loads of poop laundry. I was exhausted. For the last several weeks, I've been getting really tired after lunch. This was after lunch. Combine my usual fatigue and the fatigue from furiously cleaning, I could go no further.

I laid down on my bed and sobbed. Moses came in after a few minutes with more bad news, "Mommy, I think Asher spilled orange juice in your shoes." Moses, being silly, found my house slippers and decided to tromp around the house while pretending to be me. When he put his feet in, though, it felt wet. He brought them to me. Sure enough, Asher's breakfast juice had been poured into my slippers. It had been several hours. There was no way to salvage them. They were suede, so I couldn't just toss them in the wash. I had to toss them in the garbage. My favorite pair of house slippers. I cried some more.

During all this, Asher is just running around the house being cute and happy and getting into cupboards, but not making any more huge messes, thank heavens. He did, however, find a half empty bottle of water. He climbed onto my bed with it, got the lid off and started jumping on my bed, spilling its contents all over the comforter. More crying from me. I'm just glad it was water this time. I'd had to wash my comforter twice already the week before from other Asher messes. Water I could deal with, but I was still so frustrated and upset. And now I couldn't lie down on my bed.

I hadn't been able to get any rest since the diaper incident and Asher wasn't showing any signs of slowing down to take his much needed nap. Then it was time to pick up Akiko from school. We usually walk, but it was raining that day, so we took the car. I know it's really bad to do this, but I asked Moses to watch Asher in the car while I ran to get Akiko from her classroom. Asher didn't have shoes anyway. He was wearing them when he took his diaper off, so they were covered in poop. I mostly just needed to be separated from him for a few moments... and get a hug from Akiko.

I warned Akiko that it had been a tough day. I told her basically what had gone down while she was at school. I asked for her help and obedience. She stepped up to the task. I am so thankful I have a daughter like her. She came home, did her homework and played quietly with Moses while Asher, who had finally fallen asleep in the car, and I took a much needed nap.

Feeling rested, and a little bit better, the rest of the evening went pretty smooth, apart from the fact that the kids had to walk on eggshells, lest anything set me off again. I felt really bad about snapping at the kids for the smallest infractions, but I had reached my patience threshold way too early in the day.

After dinner sometime, I was in the office, the older kids playing in the other room, and Asher was entertaining himself with something in the hallway, just outside of my sight.

Turns out that something was not such a good thing. I had given him a sippy cup, you know, one of those ones labeled "no spill," to him for dinner, and stupidly filled it with orange juice. Asher figured out that if you shake it hard enough, you can get the contents to sprinkle out. He sprinkled it all over the hall. So when I crossed the hall to go to the bathroom, and stepped in wet carpet wherever I went, and realized what had happened, I quit. I was done. I locked myself in the office until Joseph came home. I cried some more.

Joseph finally made it home. He has mandatory meetings on Mondays and gets home pretty late. But he was home. After kissing me and holding me for a while, he let me lock myself in the office again and bathed and put the kids to bed. Then he cleaned the tub and drew a hot bath for me. Joseph is an angel.

The next day was Valentine's Day. For the most part, Tuesday was pretty good. We woke up early, even though we had a late night on Monday, and made the kids a special V-Day breakfast: bacon, eggs and pancakes with homemade strawberry syrup. We're usually in too much of a rush to put this much effort into breakfast, for the record.

We got Akiko off to school. Joseph stayed and worked from home. It was going to be a much better day than the day before. Joseph has a very calming influence on me. The only hitch was when Asher threw up, and it was a lot of throw up. He got a bit of apple skin caught in his throat. He was fine afterwards, but it's still no fun to clean up vomit. The rest of the day went pretty smoothly.

Despite the fact that it was V-Day, we didn't really have any romantic plans between Joseph and me. Joseph has been really busy with work and I have a lot on my plate with kids, church, trying to figure out a trip to UT, being pregnant, etc., Valentine's got put on the back burner. There's also the fact that it was on a Tuesday, so whatever.

The kids pretty much think that V-Day is a family love celebration anyway, so spending time as a family, the people we love most in the world, seemed totally appropriate. Akiko was starting to panic that she hadn't gotten me anything for my birthday and talked Joseph into taking her and the boys to the store to get me presents. I cooked a fabulous, but simple, chicken dinner while they were gone. They got home right as it was coming out of the oven. It was perfect and delicious and healthy.

The kids were so excited about my presents that they were presented to me in shifts while we ate. I got silk flowers and chocolate candies and a really comfortable nightgown. I don't really want or need anything, but what my family got me was just right. We were all very happy.

We all went to bed shortly thereafter. Sometime during the night, though, Asher made his way into our bed. I woke up sometime after 3am with his foot in my face. I couldn't get back to sleep. I had eaten too much chocolate. I'm a lightweight when it comes to caffeine, even in the chocolate in candy. Between Asher's foot, no matter how many times I moved him, and the caffeine in my bloodstream, I gave up after a while and went into the office to read or whatever. I finally fell asleep on the couch around 7am, just in time to get up and get Akiko ready for school.

Joseph knew I had left the bed and couldn't sleep, so he let me sleep and got Akiko off to school. I have a fuzzy recollection of them singing "Happy Birthday" to me though. I woke up enough by the time Joseph had to go to work. He wanted to stay home, but he had meetings he couldn't miss. He promised to come home early as soon as they were done.

My birthday ended up being a pretty tame and relaxing day. I received a lot of well wishes on FB, texts, and phone calls. The ones that said, "I hope you have a great day," were particularly nice, because, compared to the last few days, I was having a fabulous day. I was really tired, but the boys were great and super sweet. Most of the house was tolerably clean, thanks to my awesome husband, so I just snuggled and played with my boys. My visiting teacher even popped by for a minute to give me a present. She so awesome. Thanks Angie! I need to do better with stuff like that with the ladies I visit.

After we picked up Akiko from school, she finished her homework and we took her to gymnastics. On our way to the gym, though, Joseph had gotten off work early, so we picked him up from the train station first. The kids were stoked.

After that, we went to the Olive Garden for dinner. It's one of my favorite restaurants and we hadn't been there in years. I used to go every year for my birthday since I was fourteen or fifteen. It was nice to go back to that tradition after many years of not going. The kids had so much fun. Pasta is not one of Akiko's favorite things to eat, but she ate so much food, not just the breadsticks. We had a lot of fun. It was the perfect way to end my birthday.

So, it turns out that V-Day and my birthday were only the eye of the storm. Yesterday, things were going pretty well until Asher suddenly vomited his entire lunch. He was fine and happy, running around playing. He stopped abruptly in the hall, screamed for a few seconds, a really weird scream, and erupted. Then he fell asleep. It was weird. I transfered him to his bed and cleaned up. It was nap time anyway, but I was afraid he might be getting sick, right before we're planning on leaving for Utah. He had no fever. I didn't know what to do except wait and see.

Asher stayed asleep while I put pants on him and loaded him in the stroller to pick up Akiko. He usually wakes up during those transfers. He stayed asleep  until we were about halfway home from the school. I've never seen him sleep so soundly or for so long for his afternoon nap. I was still a little worried about him, until he woke up fully and returned to normal. I felt less worried.

About an hour after we got home, though, Asher came up to me with a nearly empty bottle of infant acetominophen (e.g. Tylenol, but a generic brand). It was missing its lid. It took me a moment to put two and two together. Is this why he vomited? My blood ran chill.

I had just purchased that medicine on my last Costco trip, just two weeks earlier. Asher hadn't been sick, but the bottle had been opened and medicine administered to him on a couple ocassions. The only problem was, it wasn't me who did any of that, it was Joseph. I had to get a hold of him so I could ask him how full the bottle was the last time he gave Asher some.

Joseph and I keep in pretty frequent contact during the day through IMs. For some reason, right when I really needed him, I could not get a hold of him.

I tried texting him and calling him several times in addition to trying to get an IM through to him. Nothing. I was simultaneously and frantically looking up information on acetominophen overdoses. Everything I was finding made me more and more worried. Time was of the essence. I needed to call poison control or take Asher to urgent care, but I needed the info from Joseph. I was utterly panicked. Oh, I was also bawling my eyes out. These overdoses can be really bad. And by really bad, I mean, deadly.

I froze up, I was so panicked. After a bit, the only thing I could think to do was pray and ask Heavenly Father for guidance and comfort. I sobbed as I prayed, "Please, please, please help me know what to do." After a while, I got a very calm feeling and felt like I just needed to call poison control. They would help me find out how bad the situation was and tell me whether or not I needed to go get help.

I was afraid to call them. I was so afraid that they would think I was a bad and careless mother who didn't keep a close enough eye on her children's safety. Thoughts like, Are you sure you should be having another child? You can't even take care of the ones you have, were flooding my mind. This is not the first call I've had to make to poison control, either.

I had to push those awful thoughts aside and remind myself that calling them is what a good mother does because she is concerned for her children's safety. They are there to help, not judge. They understand that accidents happen and that's why they are there. I made the call, hoping and praying that it wasn't too late. It had been about 3.5 hours since Asher threw up. I still hadn't heard from Joseph.

I got connected to the Utah center because my phone number is 801. It happens with Comcast, too. Kind of annoying. Oh well. Utah is just as capable of handling this as California. Comcast, not so helpful when I get connected to Utah.

I told the man everything I could. He was very good at keeping me calm and getting the information that he needed (unlike last time I had to call, but that's a whole different story). He had me measure how much medicine was left in the bottle, asked the dosage and how many fl. oz. the bottle had before it was opened, and how much Asher weighed. He did the math, according to worst case scenario, and assured me that Asher would most likely be fine. He would have had to consume a lot more than that one bottle for any more ill effects, particularly death, to take place. He told me that we still had to keep an eye on him for the next few days and to call back if anything seemed off, but thought that it was going to be unlikely. They will call me again in a few days to see how things are going.

Right after I got off the phone with poison control, Joseph IMed me. For some reason, he hadn't been receiving my messages. The notification wasn't working or something. I told him everything. He left work, which by that point was later than I would have liked, but still reasonable, and got home as soon as he could. It's not soon enough, though, when the commute takes an hour and a half.

I said a prayer of thanksgiving. Cried some more. Felt relieved. Still worried. Ultimately comforted.

I told the kids what had happened and warned them about the dangers of drug overdoses. They were worried about Asher, but glad that he'll probably be okay. I apologized for snapping at them while I was busy panicking. They were cool with that. I think they're used to it, much to my chagrin.

I made them a simple dinner and got them in bed at little earlier than usual, and certainly before Joseph got home. I asked them to be good and wait for him and he would tell them a story when he got home. They were great. Meanwhile, Asher fell asleep super early on my lap as I sat on the couch, reeling from the events of the day. He usually stays awake till 11pm or so. This was before 8pm. I felt numb.

Joseph got home, checked on the kids, gave Asher a blessing, and put him in bed. We talked for a while, researched the overdose some more, said a prayer together, and unwound in front of the tv before heading to bed.

Now we've come to today. I had a doctor appointment this morning. I had failed to ask any of my friends to watch the boys. I totally forgot. Can you blame me? Joseph said he would watch the boys and just go into work late. "Are you sure?" I asked. Yes. He would have all week next week to work as long and late as he needs since he's not accompanying us to Utah.

So, I went. It was the usual checkup. The nurse checks my urine sample. Normal. Blood pressure. Normal. Doctor will be in in a few minutes. Doctor comes in. Uterus measurement. Normal. Baby's heartbeat. Perfect. Any questions? No? Okay, see you in a few weeks.

Except, wait. You can't go yet. We still need to talk. Your fasting sugar levels were high. You have gestational diabetes.

And here I thought this pregnancy had been the least uncomfortable, least complicated one since Akiko's.

I was referred to the endocrinologist department to make an appointment with a nutritionist. I won't be able to see them for three weeks. Not a scheduling problem on their end, but on mine.

So, on the way home I feel like a total failure. Logically, GD can happen to anyone, during any pregnancy, for any reason. Emotionally, I am a failure because I have terrible food habits, I gorge on carbs and sugars, and I should have been able to prevent this. I have put, not only my health, but my baby's health in danger.

So, I have spent much of today online, researching GD, trying to find menus, trying to not totally freak out. It has been a rough day. I have to drastically change the way I eat and take care of myself. Honestly, I should think of this as a blessing. I have been meaning to change my eating habits to the kind similar to what I'm going to have to do to control this. I'm just a baby steps kind of person. I have a hard time with drastic change, unless I have had time to prepare for it.

The only time in my life when I knew drastic change had to happen, and was willing to go through with it, was when I decided to go back to church and change the lifestyle I was leading. In that case, though, it was me going back to what I already knew and where I knew I would be most comfortable.

My eating habits are so terrible and so thoroughly ingrained in me for at least the last half of my life, it's going to be a lot harder to have to learn and force myself to do this the right way. I'm also kind of going into this blind. I want to start now and be prepared for my nutritionist appointment. I'm finding all sorts of info online of what GD is, but I'm only finding vague things about what I need to do to manage it. I really need someone to spell it out for me. I feel so overwhelmed.

I can't say that I'm totally surprised by my diagnosis. For the last several weeks, my energy levels drop drastically right after lunch, a symptom of my body not being able to process the sugar I just consumed (not that I'm eating pure sugar for lunch or anything). My mood swings have been fierce, much more so than I can remember in my other pregnancies. I've felt sick after meals, like something between nausea and heartburn, but nothing severe enough to stop me from getting things done. It also explains my severe reaction to the glucose test.

It all comes back to the glucose test. I almost wish I hadn't taken it. But is ignorance really better for me in this case? Absolutely not.

So, today has been an extremely emotional and exhausting day. I did not want to get news like that. I wanted this pregnancy to be perfect and uncomplicated. I guess we don't always get what we want. The Lord knows what he's doing when he sends trials our way. It up to us to decide how we handle them. I've decided that, no matter how difficult this is going to be for me, I'm going to learn and do. Sometimes I'm still going to cry and want to give up. Then I'm going to gather myself together and get going again.

Wish me luck.

And if you made it this far, reading this post, I'm really impressed. Thanks for sticking with me.